Posted by: scintillatingspeck | October 28, 2012

Drained and bewildered.

I’m drained and bewildered.  There’s nothing left to do now but rest in the comforting arms of your witnessing gaze, dear reader.

Yesterday I drove across the Berkshires to Troy, New York, through thick fog, invited for a weekend of respite and friendship to the home of the magnificent Kathie.  It was a time of deep listening and connection.  I felt completely understood and supported and loved, and Kathie, if you’re reading this, I hope you felt the same.  But oh, the gut-wrenching review of our lives, the long-ago traumas, the dizzying twists of current life circumstance, and overarching all, the dire knowledge.

I had thought I’d be staying all of today, too, but in the morning, I learned that my father-in-law had had a heart attack.  I came home.  We are going to Buffalo in a few days.

But first, we are preparing for a hurricane.

It’s all a bit much.

I have done my best to console my husband.  We secured various objects to prevent them from being blown away when the storm arrives.  I harvested the remaining collards, kale, chard, and calendula.  All in a haze.  Tom wandered numbly through the yard, then laid down on the couch, exhausted from worry.  I think we had dinner.  Now both Tom and Lily have gone to bed.

I’m sitting by the wood stove.  We will be okay without electricity, if the predicted power outage happens.  I’m realizing, though, how I’ve relied on online communication (blogging, Facebook, and email) to carry me through recent tumult.  It won’t be available if the power goes out.  Is that why I’m driven to write this now?  I keep waiting for the axe to fall.  And what will I do when the power goes out for good?  I’ll miss refrigeration and washing machines, sure, but far more, I will miss the instant communication; the ability to solicit and receive immediate kind words; the way I can self-publish my words so quickly and easily; the spiraling patterns of the thoughts of others who share my preoccupations.

Who will be listening?  Who will I listen to?



  1. Little truths like little waves, dance and shimmer on the surface of the waters. Great truths, like the great ocean deep, are dark and silent.

  2. Oh, Jen. We packed a lot into a day, huh? Ditto on feeling loved, supported and understood. It was rough to have it end so quickly and unexpectedly…I was so looking forward to another day with you. It’s a reminder to me to cherish the moment…we never know what the next will bring. Love to you and Tom and Lily…you’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.

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