Posted by: scintillatingspeck | October 28, 2012

On intimacy.

Intimacy.  Such an alluring, sometimes terrifying, word.

What is intimacy?  Why does it feel like my task is to understand what this means as thoroughly as possible?  I’m sure I could find all sorts of definitions of intimacy with the mere tap-tap of my fingers.  I’m resisting that impulse, and turning within instead.

Events are pushing me, hard, insistently, to examine the nature of intimacy, the nature of my relationships.  I am fumbling towards making sense of it.  It’s all bound up with the rest of my current internal landscape rearrangement.

There are walls between us, inevitable walls.  There are the walls of culture, the walls of social expectation.  We are wounded and crouching, suffering from various degrees of post-traumatic stress disorder, if you wish to apply a possibly useful “diagnosis”; if we could let go of the everyday habit of dissociation and numbing, we would be left gasping at our abandonment.

But the more we are silent, the more we are guarded, the more we carefully, vigilantly protect the vulnerable heart, the less likely we are to crack the pain of profound isolation.

There are risks in trusting another.  Sometimes staggering risks.  The decision to speak the truth aloud, radically, clearly–this is not for the faint-hearted.  But do we not all shrink away from such a task?  Aren’t we all faint-hearted?  Will the fear ever diminish?

This is how I’m seeing intimacy: in the face of incredible odds, in the face of powerful forces that drive us apart into our defended little bunkers, still, there is a redemptive choice to be made.  I walk from the interior to the mouth of the cave, and beyond it through an icy cataract of fear.  The cascade is deafening.  Thank you, fear, for your efforts to protect me.  Now I must push beyond you to be fully alive.  I walk into bright light, naked and dripping, seeing and being seen.  I throw back my shoulders, raise my head, eyes meeting eyes, mouth forming words, trembling.

And then I speak the truth.

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