Posted by: scintillatingspeck | December 2, 2012

The infinite well of anxiety and grief.

You know that feeling of being in an infinite well of despair and anxiety, that gaping chasm of anguish?  No?  Go away, don’t talk to me, leave me alone, then.  Don’t read my blog.  Don’t tread here with the expectation that I can hold it together.  Go read some happy shit about kittens on Facebook.  Seriously.

Honestly, all I want to do is crawl under a rock and stay there.  I thought I was doing relatively okay (relative meaning that I seemed to be doing remarkably well, considering the fact that I’ve lost my mind).  You know, conversing without inexplicably crying, showing up for things, smiling and nodding, that stuff.  I was managing that pretty well, I thought.  Today is my day to crumble, apparently.

It’s embarrassing.  But of course, in this culture, having feelings of any sort is embarrassing, let alone dark feelings, let alone crying, let alone blogging about it.  Would I feel safer and more contained if I could just shut the fuck up?  I think I’m past the point of no return.  No rewind button, no unseeing.

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Responses

  1. The things you are now “aware of” will do this to you. It’s not just you having this kind of experience. Don’t know if this helps at all, but just know that you are not alone in your thoughts. Hang in there!

  2. From this article about the new climate change model —

    “There are papers that should come with a warning: ‘do not read this if you are depressed’, or ‘please have a stiff drink handy as you read this’. [This] paper is one such example,”

    Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/environment/climate-change/its-the-end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it-20121202-2ap4l.html#ixzz2Dx6zKKEk

    It’s true that once this info is in your head, you can’t stop thinking about it. But on the other hand, it’s okay to take a break and look at pictures of kittens (or nature scenes, or whatever) on facebook or elsewhere, to appreciate the beauty in the world while we still have it to appreciate. Or just take a walk outside in nature and enjoy whatever beauty you can.

    Don’t know if you ever watched Star Trek, but our situation reminds me of a Star Trek Next Generation episode when Picard’s mind was “kidnapped” briefly by a probe to live an entire life on a planet doomed to extinction (because of its sun in this case, not man-made causes) so that they could share their culture and history with someone. He learned how to play the flute and grew old with these people. Alhough they and their planet were long gone, they had found a way to preserve the memory.

    Every time you document your thoughts and feelings, whatever you write has the potential to somehow be preserved and perhaps found by someone in some distant future. You are documenting, in a very personal way, what is happening to our planet. It’s not a happy story at all, but you can still find moments of personal happiness here and there. Life itself can be good even when the big picture is really bad. Keep writing!

  3. the only way i can cope is by compartmentalizing things in my brain. facing harsh truths is really important and i wish more people had the courage to do it. but i have to cut that part of me off sometimes and just focus on today and how ok things are right now in my personal little world. it helps to have friends who are also facing the truths, and i spend as little time as possible with those who won’t. but today there are kitties. and coziness. and i still have food. trying to prepare for the unknown is the hardest thing and i know i really can’t, so i’m just trying to do my best. which is not very much. but compartmentalizing helps me get from day to day which is necessary if i want to do anything else. i dunno…


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