Posted by: scintillatingspeck | December 24, 2012

The view from the edge.

Here I am in this liminal space.  The in-betweenness is starker than at any other point in my life that I can remember.  And this is considering all the times I’ve made leaps into the unknown, up-ending my circumstances, following my instincts wherever they pointed.  I became rather skilled at it.  I have practice with this sort of thing.  Perhaps those experiences of changing my mind, walking away, and throwing myself into something new were all a sort of training ground.  It’s painful to uproot a career path, a household, a job, a professional or personal identity, a familiar way of doing things, and yet I’ve done it, multiple times, and the uprooting has its own sort of rhythm.

It’s clear to me that my life, along with so many others, is in a state of transition.  This is the cliff edge.  The hard part is in not being able to see beyond the thick, dark clouds that hover beyond the edge most of the time: clouds of indecision, clouds of anxiety, clouds of anguish.  Every once in a while, though, there is a break in the cloud cover, and a beam of light comes piercing through.  It’s not offering a transparent picture of the future, by any means.  But it’s a welcome illumination into what could be, a brilliant glimpse of possibility.  What enables me to see that light is laying myself as wide open as possible, despite all risk, making my body and mind into the form of a vast question: At what point do I jump, and how?

I feel my restless body readying itself.  I’m scanning the view, continually, letting each minute detail and grand panorama sink in as they become visible, letting the visions wash through me.  I’m trusting that each new piece of information, each new insight, each new point of struggle is integrating with the whole of my experience in a mysterious alchemy.  The swirl of elements in the crucible is gradually clarifying, transmuting.

What seems crucial throughout is a willingness to let go.

Let go, deluded woman, of your stories about yourself.  Let go of everything you’ve ever clung to: the idea of safety, the sense of place you always craved, all that is familiar or habitual.  Let go of the old convictions that you are not brave or worthy.  Let go of the notion of your brokenness.  Let go, even, of the need for external approval, the need for established structure, the need for people to fill designated roles.  Sweep all of those beliefs and expectations into a tangled heap, and give them a good kick right over the edge.  Observe what remains.  Take a deep breath.  Let discernment show the way.  It will be whole-hearted, and filled with love and terror.  Let it be so.

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Responses

  1. ah. so many endings and yet never a true fresh start. i am a victim of my own making, repeating the same mistakes over and over.

    if i should stand on that cliff, i’m almost certain i’d have to send myself over with all of the garbage i wish to discard, as i am far too entangled in that very heap.


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