Where I’m at.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so wretched in my entire life.  And this includes all those years ago, when I was really ready to kill myself.  I am not going to kill myself now.  But I am going to be present to this pain.

I spoke with a friend and she said all wise and true things to me.  She offered me so much love.  I am really grateful.  And there are literally dozens of people who have offered me kindness and assistance.  Thank you.

I am sobbing and sobbing and sobbing and there are tears literally splashing off the laptop.

Here are the things I need to do.

I need to get ground under my feet.  Or rather, I need to lie on the ground, because I don’t think I can stand.

I need to understand all of the ways I’ve lied to myself.  And I want to understand every misunderstanding and deception that has come my way of late, mine or anyone else’s.  Maybe there is no way to understand.

I need to get help.  I need people around me who are full of integrity and love, who want to help me.  I need people who will always strive to tell the truth.  I can’t do this alone.

I need to accept the heart of darkness.  I thought I was there.  Now I am really there.  I must stay in it a while, and make friends with it.  I must not let anyone else’s stuff cloud my own path.

In the midst of hideous pain, I must practice unconditional love.  Unconditional!  That means no attachment to outcome.  That means opening wide to compassion, in the midst of complete devastation.  That means laying down the weapons, and refusing to pick them up, no matter how much others may want me to.  That means staring monstrosity in the face, my own, that human heart of anguish, all the years of endless mistakes, so much trauma, so much damage.  I must look at it, hold its hand in my shaking hand, allow it to be.  I must bear witness.  It is the ugliest creature I’ve ever known.  I must stare at that ugliness.  This feels like the final act of integrity that I can take.  The ugliness is not out there.  It is inside me.

A friend told me that we all have a monster inside.  I don’t think any of our monsters are completely of our own making.  We are born into captivity.  This has been our fate from day one.  We must accept.  This is the way we are.

Yes, the monster inside me has wreaked havoc, both in my little personal world and in the entire universe.  I will inventory the damage.  When I’m able to get up from weeping on the ground, I will keep walking through this landscape, this clear-cut, this scene of pillage, and I won’t run away.  There is no more running away.  I have my tools: my words, my senses, my knowledge, my love, my beauty, my ugliness, my integrity, my commitment, my hands, my feet, my voice.  I will walk on.  Not away.  Through.