Too much time has elapsed since I’ve written here. It makes me restless, pacing out words and ideas in my mind, rummaging haphazardly through the half-baked, misshapen, potential loaves of essays or poems, which keep ending up swept away by the currents of ongoing, immediate Life. I’m insisting to myself that it will be a good practice to just write, to not censor too much, to immerse myself in that river of expression, to leap into the arms of vulnerability again and again.
There is so much I cannot write about. This is what comes to mind. Those Life currents, they keep flowing me into places I never imagined and can hardly describe. I have changed. I have changed! Back in October, I knew that a metamorphosis was coming over me. I couldn’t predict then how I would feel now. But this I can say with conviction: every moment, every hard-won or sudden insight, every bitter anguish, every effervescent jubilance, every shadow has been a thunderous gift in my shaking lap.
There was a threshold, and I crossed it. There were thoughts and people and actions to summon, and I summoned them.
The arms of vulnerability were the safest to leap into, it turns out. To contemplate all that I might have missed, had I chosen to be silent, wordless, withdrawn, “safe,”– it makes me shudder to think of all that I might have foregone, all the good and sweet and hard work of Living that would not have happened.
The days and nights seize me by the waist, lean in close, and whisper, over and over: Welcome to the dance, Life-lover.