Posted by: scintillatingspeck | May 30, 2013

The broken key.

Everything is unfolding as it should.

My mind is frantic, seeing that statement.  Grasping, struggling mind, always wanting control, wanting omniscience, wanting to predict the future- it’s so hard to dwell in a space of not-knowing, not-seeing, feeling helpless and scared.

This is not a good job for the mind, methinks, clambering like a restless monkey in and out of trees, seeking fruits that are out of season.  It’s all heart, now, that pulsating muscle, blasting out life as long as there’s blood and breath.

I had a dream two nights ago, a little fragment, but it was enough to scare the wits out of me.  I reached for my house key, and it was broken- the entire bottom half of it had broken off entirely.  I thought, what does this mean?  Will I never have a refuge again?  Can I never go home again?  The fear remained with me for a day.  This morning, I awoke, and the meaning of the broken key came to me clearly: No, it’s not about being locked out of a safe haven.  It’s about doing away with locks.  It’s about not allowing myself to be locked away.  This doesn’t take away all fear, of course; this doesn’t eliminate risk.  The risks were there all along.  And again, the message screams through, as it’s been screaming for quite a while: the greatest risk is staying locked up, not allowing vulnerability, not navigating the churning froth of one’s own whitewater journey.

It comes to me now: The key is to be broken.

Surrender.  Lay it all down.  Surrender to those forces that were set in motion before you ever arrived.  Trust that decisions that are made will be the right ones.  Trust in the guidance of one’s heart.  Trust that clarity will come.  Trust that the mysterious authority of love is strong enough to make us whole, no matter what.

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Responses

  1. Nice, Jen. For me, the words that most resonate are “The key is to be broken.” I add one comma, and make it “The key is, to be broken,” and that highlights my own sense that the key to living in this time is to allow one’s brokenness, to stop hiding it, to show it and share it, to admit it, to embrace it. It’s the giving up of pretense: that we’re all whole and happy in our culture, that we’re in charge of things, that we’re successfully ruling the world, etc. By stepping vulnerably into our brokenness, by unlocking the pretense of “looking good” that most of us try to wear most of the time, we step out of control and domination, and into something that’s more like dialogue and conversation, more like humility, more like openness. Broken, humble, vulnerable, in need, we make room for others, for the world, for the rest of life and love and spirit to impact us, to have a say, to help us along the way. I have found way more power in vulnerable brokenness than I ever had in thinking I knew what the hell was going on and pretending that I had it all together.

    Thanks, Jen, for allowing yourself to be broken and vulnerable as well. Love. T


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