Posted by: scintillatingspeck | September 19, 2013

One small thing.

Time is moving in odd and various ways lately.  Sometimes it feels like it’s hurtling with enormous momentum down a mountainside, a time landslide, pulling me with it into the sure knowledge of the end of my life, visible like a vast and quiet plain down below.  Sometimes each second feels expansive and slow, a feather suspended on air.  There have even been moments that reflect that cliché of time stopping, yes, moments of transcendence, when boundaries of space and time and self apparently melt and all that’s left is gaping astonishment.

You might think I would get used to this by now, this plasticity of time, but nevertheless, here in this pocket of time when Lily is at a class for several hours and I have unstructured time to myself, what happens is the shrill Demon of Achievement Orientation starts in with her hideous shrieking.  I plead with her, I do want to be organized, I’ll get there…  She’s having none of it.  Slacker!  Pathetic, you are!  You should have had this time planned out to the last minute!  How do you expect to untangle the heap of knots all around you?  How do you expect to live up to your responsibilities?  What have you accomplished?  What do you have to show for yourself?  What the hell do you think you’re doing?  You need to fix everything!  You’re a goddamned mess!  You create only chaos for everyone around you!  (Ah, it was only a matter of time for Bitter Self-Recrimination and Blaming Demon to show up, yes?)  You need a job, or several!  You need to do massive research on this!  You need to patch up your relationships– no, forget patching, you need surgical intervention!  You need to organize every closet and cabinet and make sure Lily has a winter jacket that fits and do a complete food storage inventory and clean the *&$(! house and cook solid meals!  You need to be completely on top of homeschool planning and activities!  You need to buckle down and get serious about writing if you’re going to keep obsessing about it!  You need to deal with your neglected garden!  You need to get your priorities straight!  You need to do ALL OF THIS RIGHT NOW!


This internal tirade makes me want to give up entirely.  That’s not what I want.  It’s embarrassing, how much time and energy it just took to wrangle with this voice.  I would much rather get one small thing done than berate myself like this.

I will go do one small thing.  I won’t even spend time deciding if it’s important or not.  I’ll just do it.


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