Posted by: scintillatingspeck | November 17, 2013

Hurting.

I’ve started writing, over and over, in this new post.  I’ve ducked, I’ve run away, I’ve filled lines with BS, and I can’t take it anymore– I have to throw myself into the water, reminding myself of the purpose of this blog:  it’s for me.  It’s personal.  It’s very journal-like, but it’s not a private diary; it’s my gathering of witnesses, whomever chooses to witness, however they choose to react.  The main thing is speaking out loud, for me.

Painful moments are threaded like beads on the necklace of time.  There are other beads, for certain, but the metal ones that have been immersed in unbearably hot fires are burning my skin.  It hurts like hell.  Spaced between are the shining droplets of beauty and insight and clarity; I cup my hands around those moments like a parched traveler gulping down clear, cool water.

I’m confronting my own rather vast flaws, my tendencies to get mired in downward spirals of self-criticism, sadness, anxiety, feelings of stuckness.  This is not how I want to spend my life energy.   This is not the sort of person I want to offer to my loves.  I see that I carry habits, beliefs, outdated coping mechanisms, traumas, all this Stuff, and if I want to move forward I’m going to have to deal with the Stuff.  There’s no lack of advice around dealing with Stuff, much of it deeply counterproductive, in my opinion, so partly there’s the challenge of discernment around what’s truly helpful, and discarding the rest– this is hard to do when I’m feeling low.

I will draw upon the wisest part of myself that I can find, and give her a voice.

You are hurting, obviously.  There is a demon that is very quiet, and this demon insists that you deserve to hurt, and that you are incompetent for not being able to fend off the hurt, that your imperfection is a sign of worthlessness.  Is this true?  It’s not.  You are not worthless.  You are not incompetent.  You are not somehow inherently “deserving” to hurt– you just do hurt.  It’s part of life; it’s finite; you will get through it.  Pain is a signal, and it will guide you to the places where you need to to heal.  The demon that pins you to believing such damaging things thinks this will somehow protect you from further hurt.  It isn’t true; such beliefs perpetuate a deeper, harsher pain.  Begone, demon; you are only causing damage and have no place here.

Meanwhile, child (and you are a child for as long as it takes to reach maturity, a hard task for anyone in this culture of madness), you must do what it takes to nurture yourself.  Remember.  Touch the ground, the trees.  Walk in the woods.  Sleep.  Eat.  Feel yourself inhabiting your body.  Get out of your head.  Attend to the necessities, the laundry, the cooking, the needs of your daughter, and let these ground you.  Call some friends and ask them to meet with you and hug you.  Ask for help.  Seek love and you will find it everywhere, if you let it in.  If tears come, let them come.

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Responses

  1. That last paragraph is excellent advice indeed! Sometimes simple distraction is one’s best bet, but overall getting moving is usually a good idea. I really pity people who suffer from depression and can’t physically mobilize.

  2. I’m confronting my own rather vast flaws

    A suggestion: first confront the “I” that is doing the confronting. What is this “I”? “Who am “I””?
    The body is “YOUR” body. What is yours is not you. The mind is YOUR mind. What is yours is not you. The “vast flaws” are YOUR “vast flaws”. What is yours is not you. Closer to the “I” there are layer upon layer of identifying labels stuck on. “”I” am a human being””. The “I” is still the “I” with or without this label. “”I” am a woman””. The “I” will still be the “I” with or without this label. “”I” am a mother”. The “I” will still be an “I” with or without this label. “”I”am a victim”. The There is a plethora of such labels, some applied by family, some by community, some by society and culture. The innermost and subtlest labels are applied by oneself. They are the most difficult to recognise and also the most hardest and most painful to peel off. But to get to them, the outer labels have to be peeled off, one by one, often with much effort and pain. The labels are not to be cast away, but retained, and consulted, for they serve to guide one’s actions in the world at large.

    Only then can one address the issues dispassionately, as “they are”.

    The daughter is a manifestation of the Divine, given to your custody, to care for as a steward on behalf of the Divine.

    The Divine is not lumpy, and therefore there is not more of the Divine in one place and less of it in another. Nothing is sacred from the perspective of the Divine. But WE finite manifestations of the Divine are indeed lumpy in the grand scheme of things.

    Our perceptions are likewise limited, and hence our inability to see the Divine equally manifest everywhere: some things appear more sacred than others. It is best to tailor our actions to the perceptions: the daughter is sacred, a manifestation of the Divine, given over to one’s custody to exercise one’s stewardship to the best of one’s ability. The same is true with different variations for family, friends, acquaintances, and even adversaries. And for that matter, trees, birds, animals, the land, streams, rocks and whatever.

    The “vast flaws” are likewise given to one’s custody to address them in the same light. For the Divine is all, not just the good and the pleasant, but the evil and the distressing as well. They are two sides of the same coin: the Light & Dark sides of the Force. All have to be addressed and dealt with appropriately, to the best of one’s ability, as a steward of the Divine. Keeping in the forefront of one’s mind that none of it is one’s own: one will not take one iota of it on the Final Departure.


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