Posted by: scintillatingspeck | December 15, 2013

One step and then another.

Please don’t expect greatness from me.

Who am I talking to when I say that?  Who do I think is breathing down my neck, expecting me to be a genius, to have it all together (whatever that means), to be on top of my game?  What is my game?  If I ever had a game, I think I walked out in the middle of it a while ago.

And I kept walking, and walking.  Today I walked seven miles.  I didn’t have a particular goal.  I took one step and then another.

I’m finding it exceedingly difficult to plan ahead these days.  I’m also finding it hard to write.  I have a grand plan that needs fleshing out, the journey I’m going to take with Lily next summer, combined with the book I want to write.  I’m hoping to roll out a Kickstarter campaign in about a month.  I’ve mapped out a bit of what needs to happen with that, writing a synopsis (which I’ve started), shooting a video of myself (eek, no clue how I’ll do that), firming up the incentives I plan to offer (the book itself, of course, but also other items for different levels of giving).  It all feels very Official and I feel like I need to present myself as some sort of creative genius in order to have the remotest chance of success in fundraising.

Clearly, I need to tone down my internal expectations a notch so as not to paralyze myself.

Sometimes it feels frivolous or irresponsible to be on this particular path.  The line-up of scowling, finger-pointing demons in my head, with their green skin and horns erupting at comical angles, tell me sternly: If you were a good mother, you would not be planning to drag your child all over the country like a crazy vagabond.  If you were a good community member, you would stay put in your town and participate in several worthy causes and hold bake sales and sell raffle tickets and do it all with a smile.  If you were a good little homesteader, you would not be abandoning your garden and your chicken coop and half-built chicken run that still has no chickens in it.  If you had any goddamned SENSE, woman, you would be busily arranging to be as satisfied as possible with your lot, OR you would at least be trying to get a “real” job, AND you would stick your kid in a public school so you can trudge off to the Real Job.  You would definitely NOT be pursuing this cockamamie path of Writing and Journeying and Homeschooling and Your Crazy-Ass Ideas of Authenticity and Love-Sowing and Thought-Lobbing and Being-Here-Now Woo-woo Ridiculousness.

Demons, you are so full of shit.  There’s no way, really, to put it nicely.  I could say, “Thank you for your input, and for your misguided attempts to protect me, but truly, you’re full of shit.”

I will move forward not because of any dogmatic adherence to established templates of behavior, nor because of untethered flighty beliefs in otherworldly intervention, but because of the simplest of acts: one step and then another.  These steps will be my steps.  They do not require a stamp of approval of anyone.  There is no passport to the next chapter.

I will simply keep walking into the center of my life.

Northampton bike path

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Responses

  1. Reblogged this on There Are So Many Things Wrong With This and commented:
    I so love this post.

  2. “There is no passport to the next chapter” is brilliant.

  3. Oh, also; if you do this and need a place to crash that is an improvement on sleeping in the car, if/when you come by here, I might be able to manage that, if only a place to pitch a tent and working plumbing. And of course coffee 🙂

    • Thank you so much, Miep! I will be so pleased to meet you in person.

  4. […] do this together, under any circumstance.  You say the words you think you cannot say.  You take one step, and then another.  Do you understand how magnificent you are?  Every time I call you love, I want to invoke that […]


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