Posted by: scintillatingspeck | January 2, 2014

Mind. Heart.

I am clawing my way through the brambles, thick and thorny, brambles of confusion, self-doubt, and frustration.  I’m making myself write, right now, RIGHT NOW, no matter what tripe I might produce, as an exercise in putting words together, bleeding them out if necessary, pricking my fingers with every tap on the keyboard.

I keep thinking.  I think that if I can just retrace what happened, find out what deposited me in the bramble patch, that I can cleverly wind up brambles like balls of yarn, untangle the neurons that lead me to familiar, rutted paths.  I know that I’ve been sleep-deprived, heart-sore, laden with tasks that were mostly about making others comfortable and happy and that made me feel squished and resentful.  I have not carved out time to write on this blog for too long.  On top of that, I’ve been anxious about my upcoming Kickstarter campaign, wondering if I’ll meet my own deadline of rolling it out by mid to late January, wondering if anyone will see any redeeming value in the project.  I’ve engaged in the perilous practice of comparing myself to other writers and finding myself severely deficient in comparison.  I’ve wandered the hallways of social interaction, online and off, while raw and tender, reopening lacerations or suddenly splitting open new ones, seeking warmth and understanding and friendship, sometimes finding it, sometimes tripping and falling on barbs and venom.

The trouble is I keep thinking.  I beg my mind, my intellect, to figure it out, to lead the way.  Isn’t that what I was always taught, as a daughter of the Enlightenment?  Reason must prevail.  Let the inner patriarch, internalized and booming-voiced, dictate what is reasonable.  Let no action or word go unmonitored.  Let the vigilance conquer.

I don’t trust you, Mind.  You promise to lead me out of the brambles, but it was you who dropped me right in.  I know you can still do some nifty tricks but I don’t need a trickster like you on a frigid night, my spirit scraped and stinging.

Mind, you think Heart is soft and useless, blind and boggy.  Well, fine, think whatever you want.  It doesn’t matter.  I’m going with Heart.  I’m laying my body down and not struggling against these thorns anymore.  They are what they are.  Here I am, surrounded by the needles of adversity, and love still wiggles through at every opportunity.  All I have to do is close my eyes and dwell in my heart, and there it is, a tenderly-built nest made of love, cradling me if I but choose to live in it.

And I do.

Advertisements

Responses

  1. I think going on the road could do wonders for you. All that business of newness and “Now where are we going next?” is just terrific.

    Mostly it’s a matter of getting your groundwork laid out so that you’ll know what to do in emergencies, so you won’t freeze up and panic, although I must say from my own experience that I am just as good at dealing with emergencies as I am about obsessing on potential emergencies in advance.

    I have a correspondent friend who is poor and half dead from heart failure and he recently taught himself how to replace the circuit breaker on his dryer by watching youtube videos. People just deal with shit, it happens all the time. And you’re eating yourself up about this shit, you’re as bad as me.

    The main goal of a road trip is to make sure you don’t get trapped. So obsess on all the possible ways you might get trapped or threatened with being trapped, and rehearse what you would do. It will, at the least, get you in the proper frame of mind.

    Think of yourself as a hiker, or better yet a caver. Make sure you have survival method redundancies. 

    I can’t help you with thinking out the fundraising, but I do know something about strange travels.

    • Thanks, Miep. The road calls, loudly. I’m very good in emergencies. I have a harder time with the insidiousness of the everyday, the monolith of the mundane. Still, I’d prefer my adventures to be of the non-emergency sort.

  2. Hey!, thanks for forcing yourself to write. For me, a worthy read. For you, I hope a worthy exercise in personal clarity. I can relate to most of your words. Unfortunately, I presently only have sporadic access to internet so don’t have the time to elaborate. But know that your efforts are appreciated! ps: sounds like you mostly know what to do……….just do it ……..and may the best people cross your path!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: