I want to re-train myself to use this blog in a new way. I’m trying to get over the idea that if I write something here, it must be a minimum length or have a certain substance to it. If I post here in lieu of using Facebook, do I get to write in a way that’s similar to a status update? I mean, why not? Why should it have to be All Official-Like? (As if anything I write is official-like?) I guess the fact that each blog post requires a title leads me to think it should be more cohesive? Why is it easier on Facebook to take only a few minutes to write something and let it be a tiny crumb of verbiage? Is it because it will quickly fall down the scrolling pile and be forgotten, unlike a blog post, which will be enshrined in my archive here until/unless I delete it? (I’ve never deleted a blog post, incidentally—it feels important to me to leave these posts as they are, even if they bug me, even if I change, even if I could hone my appearance to be more sanitized or less unhinged, even if I vacillate about how much self-revelatory information I want to share.)
How much time do I have to put into a blog post to make it A Real and Acceptable Thing? Who gets to decide? Is this yet more practice for me to dismantle my own expectations and anxieties around Almighty Achievement? Um, yeah, babe. (That was Inner Wise Woman responding.)
I can be okay with this. Really. I have some fear that I won’t get much response here, that it won’t help me to feel heard and understood and connected to others. Facebook has long been an unwieldy attempt for me to get certain needs met, and it doesn’t meet many of them well, or at all. I want to change that. I certainly don’t want to lose the friends I’ve met through Facebook—I’m profoundly grateful that that medium brought me to know people who are dear to me. I’ve met people whom I never would have met otherwise. Some of them have completely changed my life. But Facebook is bringing me down, people, on the whole. Too much has been bringing me down. I need to do whatever I can to reverse that trend.
I’ll be cross-posting this to Facebook via a Sharer doohickey on my menu bar—what this means is I’ll be posting the link to Facebook without actually going to FacebookLand myself, because I want to be seen/heard AND not get sucked into patterns that aren’t serving me well. (I might try to write in more depth about that.) I don’t especially want to feel cut off from my peeps. But be aware, peeps, that if you comment on Facebook, I won’t be seeing it, because I’m not there and get precisely zero email notifications. If you want to communicate with me, you can comment on this blog, or email me (scintillatingspeck at gmail dot com). Or, even better, come knock on my door, come visit, or propose some crazy road trip we do together, or where we meet halfway.