Posted by: scintillatingspeck | October 26, 2015

Suffering and love, mostly.

I feel compelled to write here to think out loud and also be with you, in a fashion.  We’re not together, I know, but we’re not separate.

In keeping with my commitment to myself to allow messiness, incompleteness, brokenness, I’m going to take some smudgy thoughts and form some words around them.

I have been thinking about depression.  No, not just thinking about it, but winding my way in and out of it, confronting it, swallowing it, being swallowed by it, redefining it, being defined by it.  And observing it in so many people, recognizing it, empathizing with their suffering.  I want to make everything stop, make everything come to a crashing halt while I gather up my suffering ones, surround them with my arms and attention.

Present in my awareness is also loneliness.  I read “When You Feel Alone: On Loneliness” on Tim Lawrence’s blog, The Adversity Within, this evening.  Such realness in his words.  He reminds me to witness myself, and bear witness.

Tonight I have also been reading “Is Facebook Making Us Lonely?” by Stephen Marche, published in The Atlantic in May 2012.  These readings I seek out, they’re sort of my emotional and spiritual homework, in that they give me the insights and eloquence of others as a little springboard into confronting my own Stuff.  Yes, I continue to be thinking about Facebook, going down crazy corkscrew-shaped rabbit holes of withdrawal, a kind of psychic itchiness.  I was looking up research on Facebook addiction and was unsurprised to note that it’s a phenomenon that is researched.  I was also unsurprised to note that someone like me would be a prime candidate for Facebook addiction.

I observe and observe.  I wonder if silence is better than writing.

I think about people I love who are far away.  I wonder if they feel my love despite all the obstacles I experience in expressing it adequately.  I wonder if they know how much they matter.  I wonder if I know how much I matter.

 

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Responses

  1. You are very dear to me. Thanks for sharing your journey! Much love to you and Lily!

  2. “I think about people I love who are far away. I wonder if they feel my love despite all the obstacles I experience in expressing it adequately. I wonder if they know how much they matter. I wonder if I know how much I matter.”

    Of course we know, and this is why we are here.

    Your pages are words of love.


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