Posted by: scintillatingspeck | November 15, 2015

Gorgeous.

My horoscope in this week’s Valley Advocate (by Rob Brezsny):

You have the answers you need, but you keep sniffing around as if there were different or better answers to be had.  Moreover, you’ve been offered blessings that could enable you to catalyze greater intimacy, but you’re barely taking advantage of them—apparently because you underestimate their potency.  Here’s what I think: As long as you neglect the gifts you have already been granted, they won’t provide you with their full value.  If you give them your rapt appreciation, they will bloom.

I’m sitting with this and letting it roll around in my awareness.

What are these blessings and gifts and answers?!  I know I’ve been too depressed, too often, to see clearly.  The only sense I can make of this is that I must concentrate on the connections I already have, reach out to people, and make sure they feel my care.  Frequently, this feels appallingly difficult.  What do I say?  Who do I touch?  What if I’m an incompetent oddball?  What if I’m an emotional pretzel?  What if I reach out to people who don’t really want or need me?  What if I neglect a whole bunch of others because I’m confused and addled?  What if I’ve already screwed everything up beyond recognition?

I guess it doesn’t make sense to wait until I have my life or brain or spirit pieced together until I touch people.  And probably I convince myself that I’m more incapacitated than I actually am, if I keep dwelling on being a giant, contorted weirdo.  I suppose I should tell myself “I’m a graceful little flower with all the inner and outer resources I need” but that makes me want to barf.  It would be nice if I could get away from all this wildly distorted perceptual crap.

Tom told me the other day, “You’re gorgeous.”  It baffled me.  I think I have to believe that he really means it.  He is not one to make stuff up.  What is he seeing?  Why am I reminded of this comment just now?  I think there is such a large breach between how he sees me and how I see myself.  Not just how I look, mind you, but who I am.  I can’t see myself all that well, lately.  But I ask myself, who do I know who is gorgeous? and all these gorgeous, beloved souls present themselves quite easily in my mind, and I’m grateful to see their tenderness, brilliance, sensitivity, beauty, eloquence, and grace.  And some of them are quite broken indeed.  I think it’s safe to say that I don’t know a single person who really has it together.  Maybe we’re not meant to have it together.

 

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Responses

  1. Of course you are right. Nobody has it all together. What would happen if somebody were perfect? Nathaniel Hawthorne examined this in his story, “The Birthmark.” It’s right up your alley, I think.

  2. You have such a lovely open heart.

  3. And we don’t have to have it together to be together.


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