Posted by: scintillatingspeck | November 30, 2015

Piled-up questions, and what’s underneath.

I’m finding myself simultaneously wanting to give voice to some of what I’m going through, and wanting to withdraw, insulate my vulnerability, not make my struggle visible.  I guess voice prevails, unless I decide not to post this.  I think I used to be pretty reckless in voicing my vulnerability, believing it was the only honest way for me to exist in the world.  Sometimes I look at some of my past posts on this blog and shudder.  I think, Holy crap, girl.  You done gone and threw yourself over emotional cliff after emotional cliff.  I guess it was a backlash against excessive self-restraint, and a lot of rage, if I think about it.  I made a conscious decision, from the beginning, not to delete anything from this blog, but to let it all stand no matter how I felt about it in retrospect.  It’s an act of telling myself that my life, my words, my revelations, are not shameful.

The questions come thick and fast lately, when I’m able to focus, piling up in drifts.  They aren’t snow-soft, although I think they are trying to lay a winter blanket over the grief that wells up in me, seemingly without end.

Where should I be directing my energy?  How much choice do I have about that?

How the &*#$ can I feel like I’m moving forward with writing?  What do I really need?  Can I stand to put it plainly to myself?  Does it hurt too much to witness the unmet needs in my life?

How is spirit calling me to serve the community?  (Actually, spirit said to write this as a start, and I’m mad at it.  But anyway.)  How can I get over the idea that I need to be all chipper and functional in order to fulfill my purpose, my meaning?  Maybe spirit thinks I need to proceed brokenly, that that’s part of the job.  Manifest brokenness.  Live meaningfully anyway.

And who or what, exactly, is my community?  Is it just a nice idea someone had once?  Is community dispersed, alienated, crying for ma?

What is going on with me and relationship?  How can I stop feeling like I don’t matter?  How can I let in the love?  Who can I trust?  Who shows up, and how?  Do I show up?  Have I fallen down on the job?

Who should I ask for help, and what should I ask of them?  What can I offer?

How can I fully inhabit my desire?  How can I seek it as a life force and not simply conclude that my vitality is over?

How do I manage all of this and try to be a good mother at the same time?  How can I cleave to what I know is good and right and discard the rest?  Do I have to live in constant dread of how all this personal and societal and global Stuff is messing up my kid?  She’s so radiant.  Thinking of all that could dim that light makes me want to take up a flaming sword, bare my teeth and growl menacingly.  I could never insulate her from all the Stuff.

Piling up and piling up.  I could list questions until the nonexistent cows on my nonexistent farm-commune come home.  Wherever home is.

Underneath are the tears that go unseen in solitude, the grief that steps forth out of the stillness, the recognition of so much loss, so much confusion, so much for which there is no solving or fixing or making sense.

Inner Wise Woman says, It’s a good season for it, in this dark time of the year.

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Responses

  1. no ‘like’ button 😦 but i like–keep it up.

  2. Inward, downward, rest
    Roots wrap me ’round below ground
    Winter is coming

    • tucked into the heart
      of somber, sylvan dreaming
      potential glitters

  3. I like the concept of inhabiting desire for relationship, community and love as a positive life force. I’m not sure what that would look like either, but it’s a start. Like Mar wrote, keep on. Some day, somewhere you will find each other.
    Aloha,
    R

    “A natural beauty should be preserved
    like a monument to nature
    Don’t judge yourself too harsh,
    my love”

    • Gracias, Randle. Keeping on. All heart and no sense, except the sense that hearts make.


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