Posted by: scintillatingspeck | December 11, 2015

I wrote.

Okay, I really wanted to title this “I wrote shit.”  Not in the sense of “I wrote stuff,” but in the sense of “I wrote excrement.”

As I’ve mentioned before, it is good for me to meet with Dave for companionable writing time.  (Screeching internal gargoyle interrupts to say, it’s good?  You wrote shitGee, thanks, Señor Diabólico.  Moving right along.)  We convened this evening at Dobra Tea where the tables are a little too small and the chairs are not very comfortable, and wrote in timed 20-minute sessions.  My patience with myself was a little too small and my mind’s circumambulations?  Not very comfortable.  (The chai, however, was good.)

Delving a bit more into why the writing was shit, exactly: I needed to excrete some rather dark and human stuff, and apparently my Being was insistent that this was the sort of writing that needed to happen, as a matter of spiritual-intestinal regularity and fortitude.  I wrote about things like massive disorientation, contradictions, integrity, chickenshittiness, impossibilities, bravery, foolishness, love, beauty, failure, and pilgrimage as a sure way to shred one’s knees.  I despaired that I could ever write bookishly.  I reflected on how deeply ingrained, still, is the belief in Achievement in me—and by belief I don’t mean fealty, but a sort of fear, like Achievement is a wrathful god ready to stone me to death for not Achieving.  I don’t know how many years it’s going to take to dismantle that false idol.  Maybe I’ll never be able to remove it entirely.  It’s the kind of Achievement that is never, ever good enough.

But I showed up.  I wrote.  That’s what I set out to do.  I even further clarified some painful truths to myself.  That’s pretty darn good, eh?  Now all that remains is for someone to cheerfully point out that shit is fertilizer.  Just shut up, okay?  Let me sulk in peace.

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Responses

  1. So love your rawness and honesty. Blessings, Babe!

  2. good shit!

  3. The writing discipline is a good idea. I often employ a variety of external sources of discipline to kick start my amotivational ass.
    Hopefully, it was cathartic shit.

    • It was somewhat cathartic. 🙂 I recommend some discipline in approaching writing, yes! The having-to-be-accountable-to-another-person thing tends to work well for me. I wonder if you could solicit a writing buddy, Randle? Or you could virtually “join” me at writing times, but I’m not sure that would work as well. Maybe if it involved a short phone call?

      • Could work. I am kinda sorta ready for some sort of departure from my passivity concerning writing. It’s like, if the muse shows up, great. I get in the zone, stuff flows and it’s usually good. If I got nothin’, that’s ok, I got nothin’. But maybe I’ve been using that mindset as an excuse for laziness.

      • I would be glad to support you in resisting passivity, if that’s what you’re inclined towards. Possibly I am just a wee bit selfish because I like the way you write.

  4. Oh, man, your comment about fertilizer cracked me up. 😀


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