Posted by: scintillatingspeck | August 27, 2018

Teetering on the edge of Scrivener.

I bought some writing software called Scrivener about three weeks ago, after some careful examination of whether it might be useful to me.  I decided: hey, if it can help me untangle the mess that is my book content, the the thick threads of thought, the blog posts, the Word documents in a folder called “Uncategorized Writings,” the photos, the Facebook flotsam, etc., why not?  Why not?  Am I not experiencing some great momentum towards writing and eventually publishing this tale?  Don’t I want to get serious about this?  Don’t I want me and my book to be going steady?

And I thought, YES, momentum!  YES, Serious Writer-ness!  YES, book—I will marry you!

Have I been able to bring myself to dive into Scrivener since then, to migrate my content, to start sifting through the words in their messy glory?

No.

After some deliberate questioning of myself, I think it scares the crap out of me.

You would think that with all this momentum, I would be embracing the chance to finally crest the hill that I’ve been climbing for four years.  I know this is a tool that will help me.  I can see the outlines of a developing book, like an ultrasound image, a discernable emblem of my own humanity in my own head.  I can almost taste it.  I’m doing this thing! I announce to myself, plastering posters of my imminent debut in the hallways of my consciousness, only to have a fearful janitor tearing them down when I’m not looking.

In the meanwhile, what have I been doing?  I’ve been meditating daily.  I have never had such success with meditation and practicing mindfulness/bodyfulness.  My dear friend Carolyn signed me up for Camp Calm, a 30-day online meditation workshop, and I have been diligently keeping up.

I think it may be time to give myself some credit, as it turns out.  I have been practicing staying with my present experience: good, bad, ugly, scintillating, deadly boring, you name it.  It seems reasonable to assume that this might carry over to patiently tolerating my fear of Scrivener.  Fear of Scrivener is really my fear of succeeding at the task of writing this book.

What happens if I succeed at writing this book and it ends up out there, in the world?

I will be seen and heard.

Some people won’t like it.

Some people might like it a lot.

I will get more attention and I’m not sure I want so much attention.

I might alienate people I really need in my life.

I might be misinterpreted or misunderstood.  I might have sweeping judgments meted out towards me.

I’ll be sticking my neck out.

I want my neck to be treated tenderly.  I can’t count on that.

The world feels like a harsh place, all too often.

AND.  I have committed to this process.  I’m all in.  ALL IN.  No matter how long it takes.  No matter what ferocious demons awaken.  No matter where the journey takes me.  When this book is complete, I will have kept my promise, and that will be a sweet reward to my integrity.

Tonight I will rest.  I will go to bed early.  My sleep has been fractured in a thousand ways.  My head hurts and I’m heart-sore and weary.

Tomorrow morning: Scrivener.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

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Responses

  1. you will do it, one way or another. like me, you are stubborn. it will see you through.

    • I AM stubborn. Thanks for recognizing me, kinswoman!

      • ah, i had missed this (response). yes, i recognize you and your commitment to your art ❤

  2. Hi Marlowe! Miss you. And Jen–I am still a vulnerable migrant and I can really appreciate your desire to stay safe and possibly anonymousish, so I will add the possibility that you and scrivener get your book in compleat tip top shape and then maybe you decide not to publish it (that’s okay) or publish under a pseudonym, or publish posthumously. There’s a heap of different ways to get the book out there, but getting it created is what is on the front burner NOW. I, too, can almost smell your book just from knowing you on fb and following your blog these many years. Mazel tov all over this muthafucka. Please post more about how scrivener works for you, because I am intrigued about the product, aside from my being intrigued about your book. MWAH and much love from Sydney

    • I do believe it is YOU, Ms. K. It brings me joy to feel your presence after such a long time.

      I will make sure to keep you and others updated on my use of Scrivener and what I think of it. So far, today—I feel confused, but still think I will figure it out eventually. It has so many potential ways of being used that it will take me a while to figure out what works for me.

      As for not publishing or publishing under a pseudonym or posthumously— nope. I want this to exist, out in the world, while I am still alive. I want it to be recognized as my work. And I made a commitment that I take immensely seriously, which was to offer this book as a reward to my Kickstarter supporters who gave at a certain level. I think I can still thread that needle of writing a true and mostly-comprehensive tale, and not experiencing the most dire consequences that populate my nightmares. We shall see.

      • Excellent. See how choice has a way of clarifying desire? I just read a political action scheduled for a coming Saturday that I would normally love to attend, but they videotape all protestors in this country and surely have biometrics and we will be applying for a permanent visa soon. So, we have ‘chosen’ to curtail our free speech right now. Enjoy dafuq out of yours, mmmkay?

    • And MWAH right back to you, from Menomonie, Wisconsin to Sydney!

    • good day to you, hecate down under! nice to imagine your shining face once more! love sent to you, mllemarlowe ❤


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