Posted by: scintillatingspeck | September 29, 2018

Let me feel the grief.

I don’t want to write anything sensible.

I only want to write what I need to see before my eyes, what I need to learn, what I need to wrestle or love into verbiage.  In my chest is a heavy clog of heart-soreness.  In my mind is a tangle of images, plans, cut-up ribbons of concentration, fretful crying, a determined holder-together of things.  I’m less willing than I used to be to showcase untidy, vulnerable thoughts and feelings, but there they are, and I won’t deny them.  They need my tenderness.  They need my words like little anchors of acknowledgment.

I’ve been sitting with the ache of unpartneredness.  I realize this is bundled tightly with my, our, heavy conditioning around cultural ideals of romantic love and what it means to have a “successful” life.  It’s not like I haven’t thought about this, a lot, already.  It’s not like I haven’t already rejected the standard narratives about marriage and happiness and belonging.  It’s just in my face, all the time, lately.  I try to remind myself that this feeling of being unaccompanied, uncompanioned, is an illusion, despite the surface facts of my lack of a Partner.  I don’t even know what a Partner is supposed to be.  I’m possibly more confused than ever about that.  I do think that, in keeping with the principles of relationship anarchy, each interpersonal connection needs to be negotiated on its own terms and allowed to grow or fade as it will.  I have plenty of conviction in principles but not a lot of bedrock faith in my own lovability.  Especially when I feel withdrawn and alone.  My friends do tell me they love me and that helps and I hope they don’t stop.

There is much I have been distraught about and unable to share for a variety of reasons.  That corked feeling builds up pressure.  I don’t like it.  What good is it to mention without specificity?  Is there any relief?  Not really.

Meanwhile I am still Handling Things.  You know, taking care of my child, feeding us, tending the home, tending to homeschool group stuff, tending and tending.  I wish someone would tend to me.  I wish I knew that someone would be there.  I’m trying to be grateful, trying to take in every moment of kindness, trying to BE THERE myself for my people.  I guess there’s a part of me that wants to say: damn it, let me feel bereft already.  Let me set aside the brave face and the gratitude.  Let me feel the grief.

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Responses

  1. hi beloved jen, my heart hears you, and i will respond from my heart, from my experience. i admire all the ways you explore relationship, and i guess the ways you describe work for you, or are what they are. i think about what is my reality in this regard, without any need to say, ‘my reality is better than your reality’; i do not say that. however, i’ll say, from my reality, that there is nothing better than being partnered, truly partnered (not, though, ‘perfectly’ partnered 🙂 ). i’ll say this as someone who has grappled with this need / preference my entire life, the desolating feeling of feeling alone, and not in a good way, the struggle through relationships and, yes, a marriage where i never felt a sense of success, and the steep learning curves involved. and then, the post-marriage, later-than-middle-life reflections on what i had / have learned about myself, my perfectionist self, imposed on myself and my closest relationship—my partner, when i was able. the deep learning of the cost of my personal shallowness, lack of acceptance, lack of trust, looking at how many times i could have done things differently, had i but known, but once more, didn’t know till i knew, how obvious and logical yet elusive as knowledge. poor dear us. so, to me, working tenderly on a relationship, with someone with whom i live and have a commitment gives me so much work and meaning, and then there are relationships with children, close friends, others, sometimes deciding it looks like a relationship has (in form) possibly ended, or shifted. all that. but to me, and how it looks to my life view, the alchemical process is most potently there in a committed, engaged, one-on-one (with of course breaks and absences) is a divine form for self discovery and depth of learning. and i’m saying all this as a preface to my reflection of the pain you are going through of as i understood it, feeling alone and at a loss. if i felt unpartnered, i would probably (but not certainly) go seeking to correct this condition, and without a bow to ideals, ideas and beliefs, but coming from a heart need, and having traversed the dialog of self-judgment for having such a need and wishing to be partnered. so, i am far from telling you to be like me, that would be so dull, but i find a need to offer you this window, from my personal perspective, with the knowledge that it may not have meaning or much meaning for you. i do it from a vulnerable place…there is much revelation here…but also from a place of love for you, sweetest sister. and wishing you love and victory, no matter how you choose to go forward.

  2. I hope you have found time to experience the grief. We do have precious little time for grieving in this demanding world, and you and your pain and desires and fears and vulnerabilities are valid.

    • I daresay that grief finds me and has its way with me whether I find the time or not, lately. Thanks for the validation.


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